Living in the communities that we do, where Amish and non-Amish folks frequent the same shops and businesses, but keep other aspects of their lives distinctive and separate, you might find yourself wondering: when it comes to weddings, do we share the same traditions?

We talked to Ila Fern Miller and her daughter Monica about their wedding experiences in our local Amish community.  

Ila is well-known for the delicious homemade food and gracious service she and her family provide at Miller Homestead Cooking, a reservations-only dining venue located on her and husband Warren’s family farm.  She serves family-style meals most weekends of the year to people who travel to Kalona from all over the world, and as a result, is familiar with customs both inside and outside her own New Order Amish community.

At heart, Amish and non-Amish weddings are much alike: an engaged couple is united in marriage, and friends and family gather from all over to celebrate.  Everyone dresses in special clothing, there is much food at the reception, and the couple receives gifts that help them establish their own home together.  

There is, perhaps, one key difference, however: for a non-Amish couple, a traditional wedding and reception require a significant outlay of money to a variety of businesses, including dress and tux shops, musicians, venues, caterers, florists, and photographers.  The average wedding in Iowa cost about $20,000 in 2021.

For an Amish couple, food and fabric would need to be purchased, but the community provides the labor, and the wedding and reception would usually take place near the bride’s home.  The result is no less sizable or festive, but it does require time to prepare and organize.  Monica estimates that for a wedding with 500 guests – a typical size – the help of 100 of them would be needed.

Let’s look at some details.

“Our Amish weddings actually are an all-day thing,” Ila says.  “Usually, the cooks come in at 8 a.m.”

Too many cooks spoil the broth, it is said, but in the case of an Amish wedding, many cooks are called for.  “Amish weddings are never catered because we have our own cooks that make the meal,” Ila says.  “We probably have 25 cooks.  Everybody fills in a little nook, and it takes care of the big meal.”

“Maybe three women take care of the corn, and then maybe two ladies make the gravy, and then another four do the mashed potatoes and three of them do the dressing,” she explains.  “We all share like that, that’s why it takes so many.”

Those who will serve the food, perhaps another 20 people, also arrive early to prepare for the first meal.

The ceremony begins at 9:30 a.m., and those who have been working join the ceremony at close to 10:30 a.m.  There is a special section for them to sit in, and “It looks kind of empty until they all come,” Ila says.

The ceremony is quite long, lasting until about noon.  It is conducted in German, and begins with the singing of two or three songs by the congregation.  They then sing the wedding hymn, which takes about 20 minutes by itself because it is sung so deliberately slowly.

The very slow singing is a tradition that can trace its roots back to previous centuries when Anabaptists were persecuted in Germany.  While imprisoned, they would sing songs “to each other, from cell to cell.  And [the guards] would start dancing with the music to kind of mock them.  So, they kept singing slower and slower until finally [the guards couldn’t dance,]” Monica explains.  

Once the ceremony is over, the guests are escorted to the reception area, where the mid-day meal is served.  There is no standard menu; when Ila’s oldest daughter married, she asked the bride and groom what their preferences were, and they chose Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, and dressing.

“Dressing almost always goes with a wedding meal,” Ila says.

For a non-Amish bride, having a beautiful, towering wedding cake to admire and then serve to guests is often of prime importance.  For an Amish bride, not so much.

“I’ll have a cake in the corner, for the bridal table,” Ila says.  “But we don’t always have a cake in weddings anymore because it seems like a lot of the time it comes back and it’s just as full as it was when we started,” she laughs.

“So, often we have pie.  And sometimes a fruit salad,” she adds.  “Cupcakes have been a hit.”

For her sister’s wedding, “She did granola bars,” Monica says.  “That was different.”

“We made homemade because her husband liked homemade granola bars,” Ila says.  “We wrapped them individually and put a ribbon around them and put them out at each setting.”

Flowers, also, are less important for an Amish bride.  She does not carry a bouquet in the wedding ceremony like a non-Amish bride would, but cut flowers might be placed on the dining tables at the reception.  

“Some Amish wouldn’t do that, though,” Ila comments.

“Yeah, the Old Order Amish,” Monica agrees.

Whatever is chosen to decorate the tables, it is likely to become a gift from the bride and groom to the servers or others who help with the event.  Candles are a popular choice.

“Some have made wooden little votive cups with a candle in it, out of pine,” Ila says, giving an example of a table decoration-turned-gift.

When a non-Amish bride thinks of her wedding day, a voluminous white dress is often the first thing that comes to mind.  Whether she chooses silk, satin, or lace, this is the average girl’s chance to rival a Disney princess, and she’ll pay around $2000 to wear this confection once.  

Not so with the Amish bride.  She’ll often make her own dress, and she’ll wear it again in the future.  She can also choose to wear any color she likes.

“Besides white,” Monica says.

“We don’t do white,” Ila confirms.  But after thinking about it for a few minutes, she reconsiders.

“There are some [Amish] communities that actually wear white to get married,” she says.

“There were a couple of people around here that did,” Monica agrees.

Much sewing takes place before the wedding, as not only the bride’s dress is important, but those serving food would also need ensembles of the same color, and the families of the bride and groom would also wear color-coordinated attire.

At an Amish wedding, the day doesn’t end after the mid-day meal.  “In the evening at five o’clock we start all over again,” Ila says.  “And it’s a different menu.”

The evening meal is generally lighter, perhaps noodles and ham and cheese, or sub sandwiches with potato salad, ice cream, and pie.  Then the youth sing from about 8 to 9:30 p.m.

“Then the next day the bride and groom’s families come back to help clean up,” Ila says.  “Maybe some aunts and uncles.  Usually by the next night, everything’s cleaned up.”

Whatever the differences between weddings in the Amish and non-Amish communities, they both celebrate love, family, and community in ways that honor old traditions and experiment with new approaches.  We’re fortunate to live in an area that respects and appreciates both ways of life.